COMPUTER TERMS REDEFINED:

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

DISK CRASH - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

FLOPPY - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."

GUI (pronounced "gooey")- What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

HARD DRIVE - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

KEYBOARD - The standard way to generate computer errors.

MICROSECOND - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

MOUSE - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

OBSOLETE - Any computer you own.

POWER USER - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

STATE-OF-THE-ART - Any computer you can't afford.

SYNTAX ERROR - Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

SYSTEM UPDATE - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.